Funny isn't it, tae hear yer man swear at the driver when he's walkin' and at the pedestrian when he's the driver.

The best place tae pit yer troubles is in yer pooch - the ain wi' the hole in it.

The reason a dog his sae many freens is that his tail wags instead o' his tongue.

Marriage is the maist expensive way o' gettin yer laundery din free.

Early tae bed, early tae rise - and ye'll no meet many o' oor best fowk.

The biggest howling success is the baby wha gets picked up.

A bore is a lad wha opens is moo' an' pits his feet in.

Middle-age is the time when weemen winnae admit their age and men winnae act theirs.

The man who thinks marriage is a fifty-fifty pro-position disnae understand onything aboot wimmen or fractions.

Parents spend the first three years o' a bairn's life trying tae get him tae talk and the next 17 trying tae get him tae shut up!

An auld maid is a wumman wha spent her youth stringin' along several lads instead o' tryin' tae rope yin.

Some wives cannae save money because the neighbours are aye daein' somethin' she canna afford.

An ounce o' example is worth a ton o' advice.

A' throughbred horses hae bonnie coats. How many punters hae?

Tact is the gift o' describing ithers as they see themselves.

Claes dinna mak' a wumman, but often nowadays they show how she's made!